Mishaps with my Voice

February 4, 2018

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Mishaps with Muscles

January 30, 2018

Exercising for world peace, escaping my spandex prison, getting the (vitamin) D, farting freely, and living life to the fullest!


Let's make some #mishapportunities!


#Mishapportunities aka Clumsy Wisdom:



On spandex

They give you spandex for gymnastics competitions so that your body can contort in inhuman ways and the fabric will still cling to your body. Somebody was thinking because this quality of the spandex means that when you retire from gymnastics, and starting losing your muscles and become either fat or skinny and your body starts to contort in weird ways (without your consent this time), the fabric will still cling to your body, even if no one else will.




If you’re super sciency and want a way to quantify somebody’s level of insecurity and muscular tanorexic napoleon complex, I’m 99.65% sure that a BMI is a perfect proxy for how fragile a person’s masculinity is. Think about it.



On when men become ents

When someone's BMI reaches 2% somethings scary happens and he ceases to be human. His skin becomes hard and orange and he feeds himself with only whey powder and water. He loses the ability to truly walk and instead has to lumber everywhere he goes. He’s come to the point where he’s essentially an ent, which for those of you who haven’t seen or read "The Lord of the Rings", is essentially a walking tree. A walking tree, which, to my knowledge and based on the plot of the movie, cannot procreate with humans. Not cute! I mean I know the ents and huorns eventually marched on Isengard and Helms deep and they technically made some kind of contribution to society or whatever but it sure took them a long time and this hobbit is hasty tryina make it to mount doom #goals!

On farting freely while running

My second favorite thing about running outside is that it is perhaps the only time in life when you can really be your true self and fart freely. Seriously it is one of the only times ever when you have 100% plausible deniability with your flatulence because by the time people finally realize just what has transpired, you’ll already be yards, meters, or hectares away depending on how fast you run and what country you’re from. Few things in life give me more joy and freedom in the world than feeling the sun on my skin, the wind in my hair, and a steady stream of farts flowing from my rear. I’m pretty sure this is what the 2014 classic “Let it Go” is all about. I mean seriously, how often in life, especially as an adult, do you get to make a huge mess and then walk, run, or saunter away with zero consequences! You really need to take advantage of it and live life to your full potential. #LetItGo


On exercising for world peace

Don’t go to the gym to look sexy for others or even yourself because you’ll always be unsatisfied at some level and, if you don’t know how to stop, you might eventually end up “lumbering” instead of walking and wind up an ent. Better to do it for the drugs! The drugs that make all of this possible. Do it for the endorphins that make the world a better place, one living husband at a time. Do it for world peace! #AndWorldPeace




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